Watch your mouth
How great a forest is set ablaze by a small fire! And the tongue is a fire. (James 3:5b-6a)
Words can tear down, incite, disrespect, spread lies, and divide. Because of this, James tells the early church to bridle their tongues. My mom used to bridle my tongue by putting Tabasco on it when I talked back. It happened a lot which is why I think I like spicy food so much. I was a slow learner.
Wise people know that their words matter and use them to bring life rather than death. Here are three ways you can use your words wisely.
1. Communicate Humbly
Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger; for your anger does not produce God’s righteousness (James 1:19)
To be quick to listen is fantastic advice! The experience of being heard is so close to the experience of being loved that it is almost indistinguishable for us. When we feel heard, we feel loved. If we want others to feel heard, we must be quick to listen. Adopting the response of tell me more is a great way to do this. It’s easy to use, adapt, and invites sharing. I’m so frustrated! Tell me more about what you are feeling. I had the best day! Tell me about it! I couldn’t sleep last night. Tell me what was keeping you up. When we match the emotion of the people we are listening to and sincerely ask them to tell us more, we’ll be quick to listen and they’ll feel loved.
If we are slow to speak, it affords two benefits. First, it gives you space to listen. Human beings can’t multitask–if we are talking, we aren’t listening. Second, if we are slow to speak, it gives us a chance to consider our words. We can ask ourselves, “Is what I am about to say helpful, encouraging, and true?” helping us avoid saying something we regret.
Our anger is often not righteous and comes from our confusion, wrong assumptions, insecurity, and desire to control. If our anger is misplaced, it is wise to be slow to anger. We can ask ourselves why we’re feeling angry. This can be difficult at first, but with practice, we can uncover the misconceptions fueling our anger before dividing our relationships.
2. Speak wisely
Our words can give life or bring death. James tells the early church to “welcome with meekness the implanted word that has the power to save your souls.” James wants people to humbly allow God’s grace to transform the words they use to reflect the hope and love of God’s kingdom. To speak this way requires us to avoid what Dr. John Gottman calls the Four Horsemen– defensiveness, blame, stonewalling, and contempt. It’s a helpful list because the words we use that bring death are usually from one of these categories. We will not be perfect in avoiding them, but we can grow. Growth will require us to reflect on our chosen words, confess where we have fallen short, and consider how we might speak differently in the future. This exercise will be challenging but rewarding.
3. Tell stories of hope
Or look at ships: though they are so large that it takes strong winds to drive them, yet they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great exploits. (James 3:3-5a)
Human beings are story animals. The stories we tell shape the story we live. Stories are how we create meaning, and their significance in shaping us is why we tell them, read them, and watch them. Just like the words we choose, the stories we choose make a difference in our lives. The best stories are the ones that offer hope in the midst of the broken world and remind us that despite the hurt, pain, and death, God’s love will conquer all.
If you want to use your words wisely, ask yourself: Am I maturing in my ability to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger? Are the words I am using giving life or bringing death? Am I telling stories of hope and love?
