Happier Family Matters

The following video transcript has been lightly edited

Hi. Our families bring us incredible joy. After surveying folks all over the world, what they discovered is that most people answer that their family adds significant meaning, purpose, and happiness to their life. I recently experienced this as I went up and visited my daughter Nora at the University of Vermont.

And having spent a day with her, just driving home, feeling thankful for who she is and the time we had together. But it's also true that our relationships can cause us deep pain and challenge. And so while our families help us to have purpose, meaning, and happiness, they also can be the source of challenge and hurt and sadness.

And so what I want to do today is I want to offer you three things, three practices that will help you have a happier family because family matters. And I want you to experience the joy and the goodness. We're going to take a few different ideas from Paul. And the first one is that this idea that the church is the body.

And so he says, Hey, if we were only all ears, we would just hear. And if we were only all noses, we would just smell. Well, I love food, and if I didn't have my sense of smell, I would lose my sense of taste. And if I was only ears, that means I could hear people eating cereal all the time. And that's a difficult thing for me. I just don't like the way that that sounds.

And so that's also true for people. So the church is like a family, and so he's trying to teach this idea that the body is made up of many different parts and each part is really important. We can't all be the same part. That is also true for our families.

We want to complement each other versus always focus on being compatible. Sure, we all need a shared set of vision and values to help us travel through life together. But after that we want to really embrace the way we complement each other.

My wife is an introvert, and I'm an extrovert. And so that difference could be used for disconnection and disagreement, or we can embrace the way we complement each other. And I can help her discover the joy of being with others, and she can help me grow in the joy of solitude and understanding that happens often in the midst of being by herself.

So whatever it is for you, it might be true that for in your family you spend more time in disagreement over these differences rather than enjoying them.

And so one quick habit I would offer up is that you compliment, you celebrate the differences that you have, and you compliment each other on them. Say, hey I'm really thankful for the way that you shape me and mold me. Because family matters, and that'll help.

The second idea I want to talk about is seeing disagreement as an opportunity for discovery. Now most of us, when we hear disagreement, we sort of pull back. Like, uh, disagreement, it never goes well, I don't know what to do. So Paul reminds us in Galatians that we've been set free. But the reason we've been set free is to love one another. To serve one another, is what he says. And he offers this warning, be careful not to devour one another, not to bite and devour one another.

And so it's this reminder to us that conflict is something in which we can easily fall into this place of biting and devouring one another.

I like to think of conflict like fire. Fire in your furnace is great, it warms your home. Fire roaming free in your home is not good at all. So what we want to do is we want to have healthy habits around conflict to help it be a place for discovery.

And what we want to do is we want to focus on a few things. Most of the time our disagreements are around a gap in expectations. You expect one thing, I expect another, that's where conflict comes. Well, if we see this disagreement as an opportunity for discovery, we can clarify expectations and get an understanding of where one another are.

We want to do something important, and we want to treat each other with love and kindness in the midst of it. So, none of the four horsemen, as the Gottmans say. So no criticizing, no blaming, no stonewalling, and no contempt. Each of those will take that disagreement and make it more about division than an opportunity to discovery.

Lastly, we want to be dream detectors. We want to understand where each other are coming from, and we want to allow one another to shape each other and figure out, hey, what are you hoping for? What am I hoping for? And then how can we join that together?

Relationships absent of conflict are not good. Relationship that use conflict to destroy each other, also not good. We want to use the conflict that exists. In our relationship is an opportunity of discovery to know and be known because we've been set free not to do whatever we please, but we've been set free to serve one another and your family relationship needs that you need the joy in the shaping that you find in the people that you call your family.

Lastly, and this is a pretty simple one, it's honesty is the best policy. So Paul elsewhere talks about how. We want the truth to come out of us and that we don't want to lie to ourselves that we and we don't want to lie to others. And so we want to be an honest family.

Now, some of you, like me, maybe grew up in a family in which practiced a little bit of a, Hey, let's not talk about it. And to be candid, sometimes my own personality type sort of shies away. I want to say something, but I take a lot of time to find the right time and to say it in the right way. And that can be healthy sometimes and unhealthy others. And so my encouragement to you is this, is that we want to be a people who are honest.

And honest people are both candid and kind. And maybe you want to take a moment and evaluate yourself. Do you need to grow in candor, or do you need to grow in kindness? We can always say honest things, but if our goal is to say them well, then it should be out of love. And so we want to be candid, honest, we want to do it in a kind way.

We want to build one another up, we want to discover, we want to compliment, we want to shape one another. And for some of us, we need to grow in honesty. So someone like me, sometimes. resist candor. And so you want to say true things to others to help them grow. So do you need to grow in candor or do you need to grow in kindness?

Both of us probably end up in a different place because that'll help you have the kind of family that you desire. I hope this was helpful. I hope you have a great week. Your family matters. It's a significant source of purpose, meaning, and happiness in your life. Commit to complimenting and enjoying the way you compliment one another.

See disagreement as an opportunity for discovery. And remember, honesty is the best policy when it's done with candor and kindness. Take care.